( reboot 34 )
by bravestofheart
Summary: If you reboot them enough times... Tahani x Eleanor. A play on the whole 'Rule 34' thing. Explicit.


ATTEMPT 34. [ DAYS SINCE LAST REBOOT - 0. ]

—

"Eleanor, meet your soulmate."

Michael's mixing things up this time - a bewildered Jason Mendoza is stood before her (introduced as Jianyu-Li, of course), and she can't believe her luck. Not only is she not supposed to be here, but she's stuck with a forking monk, of all things. She's going to go crazy. Or maybe she already is, and this is all just some absurd dream that if she pinches herself hard enough, she'll wake up from.

Or maybe she won't.

She supposes a perk of living with a man unable to speak is that she can speak freely - and as much as she'd like, to boot. Oh, and she does put that to use, launching into an entire tirade about how forking ridiculous it is that she has to live inside a house with ceilings barely any taller than she is (and that's a feat in itself), surrounded by plants and Buddha statues, and to top it all off, that bloody chant music filtering through the house that she's yet to find the off switch for. She's the furthest from zen anyone could be.

Jason, on the other hand, is thinking that being stuck here isn't so bad. Sure, he's suddenly a monk committed to keeping his silence (but hey, he'll take that over hell), but his soulmate is hot, and there's a cool not-robot, not-lady, but definitely-also-hot Janet who has the ability to summon chicken wings from thin air. Hey, he's a man of few wants - maybe he is a monk, after all!

—

ATTEMPT 34. [ DAYS SINCE LAST REBOOT - 1. ]

—

Oh, she forking hates Tahani. How dare she be so infuriatingly perfect, with her big mansion and her posh accent, and her stupidly long legs and fancy name that sounds like a forking hummus ingredient. She's a tiny - but oh so fierce - ball of anger, staring up at Tahani with the steeliest expression she can possibly muster, back straight and shoulders staunch in her best attempt to look every inch her height. And then Tahani smiles, a smug smile that just exudes grace and beauty and perfection, and shirt, she's been looking at her too long, hasn't she? Get yourself together, Eleanor. Don't forking ogle the enemy.

"Oh, aren't you just the cutest!" Tahani exclaims; and despite the melodious lilt of her voice and the crinkle in the corners of her eyes… with that one word, she might as well have started a war.

( she may be little — but she certainly isn't cute ! )

Hell hath no fury like Eleanor when scorned. Or the Good Place; when the next morning, hummus falls from the skies in great, glutinous balls.

—

ATTEMPT 34. [ DAYS SINCE LAST REBOOT - 23. ]

—

Michael's gleeful; finally, something seems to be going right. Chidi's having a breakdown over the fact that he doesn't think things are okay between him and his soulmate, Tahani, and he's trapped himself for the past week in a moral dilemna of being unsure if he should (a.) tell her, and risk offending or upsetting her, or (b.) not tell her to spare her feelings but then have to live under the crushing guilt that he told a lie. All the time, unbeknownst to him, Tahani's mind has strayed far, far away from him.

Is he happy that Eleanor and Tahani have taken to sneaking away for long makeout sessions? Not exactly… but at least one of his four playthings is suffering, and he supposes things will really get interesting if Eleanor and Tahani were to break up— an event bound to be spectacular, he's sure.

—

ATTEMPT 34. [ DAYS SINCE LAST REBOOT - 29. ]

—

Chidi finds out. Though he's not upset; he's relieved, in fact, because he's done a lot of thinking lately, unable to decide if he actually loves Tahani or not. If they're soulmates. And that just leads to more thinking and him pondering if his uncertainty is (a.) due to his indecisiveness or a case of commitment jitters, or (b.) an indication that he doesn't love her, considering he has to think about it.

"So— who is my soulmate then? Jianyu?"

"Here's a crazy idea," Eleanor suggests, brows furrowing as she gives it a moment, thinks it through. Arrives at the same conclusion. "What if this is the bad place?"

—

They all adjust; Chidi gets over his initial bout of guilt about not telling anyone else that they're probably not actually in the 'good place' after all when Eleanor points out that they don't know who else they can trust. He'll take this place and all its freak weather and disasters over literal hell any day.

They all hang out a lot - usually at Eleanor and Jason's place. He finds out that they both thought they were here by mistake; Eleanor in a particularly inebriated state blurted out an entire confession to Jason (to be fair, she never thought he'd tell anyone any of her secrets, given the vow of silence thing), only for him to loudly proclaim his relief that finally, he can be himself again. Since then, the two of them - with Janet's help - had converted their tiny, zen house into somewhat of a bachelor pad. Jason still wears the monk robes however, even around home… he says he's grown to like the breezy feeling of letting everything be free down there, much to everyone's mortification.

—

ATTEMPT 34. [ DAYS SINCE LAST REBOOT - 34. ]

—

Oh, what is hell, without a littl ?

They've been relishing in their newfound freedom an awful lot since that day; Eleanor's completely enamoured by Tahani… from the way that she says her name, to the way that her long hair tickles against her cheeks when she gracefully dips her head down so that Eleanor, on tip-toes, can reach her lips. And she likes to play with those silken locks, run them through her fingers in utter tenderness, and she likes the way that Tahani's legs tangle with hers when they lay together, her skin warm and soft against her own.

Chidi remarks one day that she looks like she's in love; she snorts in response, but it's true. She's just afraid that if she admits it, this place will punish her for having something so good.

Her hands are in Tahani's hair today — but not in the usual, delicate way. No, their lips are locked together, hard and passionate, nails digging ever so slightly into her scalp in an attempt to hold her closer (oh, she's never felt such need as when she's with her like this), and she tugs, just a bit… and to her delight, Tahani whimpers, ever so sweetly.

She's learned that Tahani is a bit of a princess in bed, content to lay back and be pampered and often guilty of forgetting to reciprocate Eleanor's actions… not that Eleanor minds; she's rather fond of bossing her around, taking charge like she is now, pinning Tahani beneath her, fingers impatiently tugging the other girl's hand down between her legs, her own then pressing against hot, slick flesh. It's one of those days where she can't bring herself to stop kissing Tahani, lips roaming over silken skin, down her throat and over her collarbone, then down further to capture each nipple between her lips. Then her lips are back on Tahani's, and they're both panting, gasping, between fervent kisses. Tahani's nails dig into her back at some point, eliciting a needy groan from her, and they both stay like that, clutching close to each other until they're both spent, sprawled out in a sweaty tangle of limbs.

"Eleanor?" Tahani asks, fingers combing through her hair gently, and she lets out a content, incoherent mumble in response. "I'm glad we have each other, did you know? It's not such a bad place when you're around."

"Aw, someone's getting sappy." Tahani ruffles her hair, earning a malcontented grumble in response; though she soon melts, as Tahani tucks her head against her, pressing a tender kiss to the crook of her neck and holding her closer, eyes drifting closed - and there's a peaceful smile on Eleanor's lips when she eventually stops gazing at Tahani, closing her own eyes to sleep.

—

Michael's on a mission. A mission to find Janet, specifically, as she's vanished on him. He tries the general neighbourhood first, but to his disappointment she's nowhere to be found. Next, Tahani and Chidi's place - no answer. Chidi's at the library, last he knew… which means perhaps Tahani and Eleanor are holed up together inside. He can work with that. Last place? Eleanor and Jason's. Which it turns out, he's not prepared for.

He's about to give up and leave when the door opens - Jason's naked, apart from the bedsheet wrapped around him haphazardly, eyes widening when he sees who it is at the door. The room behind him is in a state of organized clutter, transformed from an oasis-style paradise to… what he supposes paradise for a frat boy would look like - the only upside seems to be that Eleanor has yet to find the stairs to her bedroom; Eleanor and Jason on one drunken night took to building a makeshift staircase out of empty pizza boxes.

"Is Janet—" That question is answered as Janet promptly appears behind Jason, waving cheerfully. Fork. They forked, didn't they? So much for this attempt.

—

ATTEMPT 35. [ DAYS SINCE LAST REBOOT - 0. ]

—

Michael tries a different tactic this time around, doing away with the concept of soulmates altogether, simply leaving them to their own devices to see what will happen. Maybe he'll get lucky and they'll form their own love triangles, drive each other crazy in the mess that human emotions and relationships can be.

It takes forty-two minutes until Eleanor and Tahani decide that, since they're in heaven, they might as well kiss and fork and have all the fun they could possibly want.

He hits reset.

* * *

 **A/N:** This... got carried away a bit, but I had fun writing it, and I hope it's fun to read~ Thanks for reading, please feel free to let me know what you think of this!


End file.
